I think the drugs are working.
I am sad to say I was very displeased with the show. The producer with whom I worked was a lovely, kind, understanding woman with a lot of questions, but she was a bit disorganized, or something. When we first began it was exactly as I’d imagined; we filmed trips to the pharmacy, lunch with my (beautiful) mom, and me, sitting and telling my story. Which is, to sum it all up neatly: I do not feel well in social situations and am frightened by large groups of people. I feel bombarded with their negative thoughts of me; thoughts that I have, without a doubt, conjured up myself. But my brain thinks they’re real, and my body reacts unfavorably. It sucks, and it keeps me indoors, but I’m not completely miserable. I have many hobbies and some talents and a few amazing people who am I lucky to call friends. Anyway, after about two weeks of filming during summer, the producer sort of disappeared. She told me to let her know when I’d made an appointment with a therapist so she could film it, and I told her I’d make one for the following week if she was free. She didn’t respond, and I didn’t hear from her for several months. Some time in December she text to see how I was doing, and, once again, disappeared for another several months. I figured she thought I was boring and didn’t want to pursue my story. I forgot about True Life and her and proceeded to better myself without Paxil, off camera. I worked at the mall during the Holidays, and then at my uncle’s tax office up until early April. I even took a class at the nearest adult school. When the producer finally contacted me again in late April, I was a bit apprehensive about continuing on with the show, but I was too chicken to back out. We filmed one last time, mostly audio for parts that needed it. I gave her a few photos, and that was it. My life in the course of 5 nonconsecutive days. Which made for a totally boring episode, I have to say. But still, I’ve received only kind words regarding my episode, and for that, I am so thankful and surprised. Like, maybe people aren’t so bad, after all! Maybe.
This is already comforting enough. I really appreciate you going out of your way to say these nice things to me, and I’m sorry I took so long to thank you, I just didn’t know what to say.
Holding hands in the park;
casting shadows, long and dark.
I pull you close,
I am but a humble host;
a flea to Heaven’s silver lark.
Who created you, you wonderful thing!
What terrestrial dreamt you into being!
Our fingers laced,
all I’ll ever taste
of other-worldly types of things.
we will take you to
museums and parks
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth